Sibling Fights: Stop playing referee—try this instead
Why solving sibling fights for your kids may be doing more harm than good.
Sibling fights can wear you down fast.
Whether it’s yelling over toys, bossy older siblings, or attention-seeking younger ones—most parents instinctively jump in to fix it fast. But here’s what we know from neuroscience and experience:
The more we solve for our kids, the less they practice solving for themselves. And that practice matters.
✨ Instant Strategies:
Instead of refereeing or giving orders (“Give it back!” or “Let him play with you!”), we shift the focus to problem-solving and connection:
“I see your brother is trying to connect in a way that doesn’t feel good. What would be a better way he could connect with you?”
“I hear that you don’t want to play that way—can you show him how he could join in?”
“He’s using your toy to feel close to you. What else could he play with that would be okay?”
This teaches kids to name their needs and offer solutions—instead of just reacting.
🛠 Proactive Strategies:
Before playtime begins, set the expectation:
“If someone wants to join in, they need to ask or show with their body kindly.”
“If you want space, you can take a quiet break—but we still speak with kindness.”
“Everyone will get a turn—let’s agree what happens if someone forgets.”
And most importantly:
Practice “connection repair” when things go sideways. Even just a simple “Can we try that again?” builds relationship skills.
🧠 The Neuroscience Behind Sibling Fights:
When a child feels left out, disrespected, or powerless, their amygdala (threat detection center) activates—sending them into fight, flight, or freeze.
When we jump in and solve it, it doesn’t reduce the threat. It often reinforces it—because the child loses control of the outcome. But when we coach kids to name needs and offer options, we help them shift from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s regulation and reasoning center.
That’s where real conflict resolution happens.
Why we approach sibling fights this way:
Because we’re not just trying to end the conflict in the moment. We’re helping kids build the lifelong skills of:
Recognizing others’ perspectives
Communicating their boundaries
Repairing connection after rupture
Staying in relationship without giving up their needs
That’s the heart of CAMP. Want help building sibling connection routines in your home?
Let’s talk inside the community.
Why everything you’ve tried isn’t working:
5 parenting shifts that actually help.
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This is just a small piece of what you will learn in the CAMP online course to manage challenging behavior in children.
