The Parenting Shift That Changes Everything
I Thought I Had to Manage Every Behavior—Until I Realized This One Thing
For years, I approached parenting the way I was trained as a clinician and teacher: identify the behavior, correct it, and reinforce the right response.
It sounds simple, right? But in real life, things didn’t always go as planned.
I’d ask my child to put their shoes on.
They’d ignore me.
I’d repeat myself.
Still no response.
Frustration would build—on both sides.
And before I knew it, we were in a power struggle over shoes.
If you’ve ever thought, Why won’t my child just listen?—you’re not alone. And you’re not failing as a parent. The real issue isn’t about compliance. It’s about how our child’s brain is wired to respond under stress.
The Neuroscience of Resistance
When a child is resisting, melting down, or shutting down, their nervous system is in survival mode—more focused on safety than reasoning. This happens when their amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) takes over, hijacking access to their prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for problem-solving and logical thinking).
That’s why saying things like:
❌“Just listen to me!”
❌“Stop making this so hard!”
❌“You need to calm down right now.”
…often makes things worse. When we meet dysregulation with more pressure, a child’s brain perceives it as a threat, making them dig in their heels even harder.
What Actually Works? Connection Before Correction
Instead of jumping straight to discipline or logic, we need to help their nervous system feel safe first.
Try this:
✅ Pause and regulate yourself first. Kids take their cues from us. A calm presence sends a signal of safety.
✅ Validate their feelings before addressing behavior. “I see you’re upset. I get it.” This helps lower stress hormones and re-engage the thinking brain.
✅ Give simple choices to restore a sense of control. “Do you want to put your shoes on by yourself, or should I help?”
This approach isn’t about “giving in.” It’s about understanding how the brain works and using strategies that actually help kids cooperate—without the unnecessary battles.
When we connect first, kids are more open to learning, problem-solving, and actually listening.
