Why Kids Don’t “Just Listen” (And What They Need Instead)
The Moment It Clicked for Me
I used to think "not listening" was a behavior problem.
When my child ignored my requests, I assumed they were being defiant, testing boundaries, or just refusing to cooperate.
So, like most parents, I’d repeat myself.
Maybe I’d raise my voice a little.
Maybe I’d even throw in a consequence.
But instead of fixing the problem, I’d get more resistance. More tears. More frustration.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that my child wasn’t ignoring me on purpose. Their brain simply wasn’t in a state to listen at all.
The Brain Science Behind “Not Listening”
When a child is feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or disconnected, their brain shifts into survival mode—the fight, flight, or freeze response.
In this state:
🚨 The amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) is on high alert.
🚨 The prefrontal cortex (responsible for listening, reasoning, and problem-solving) goes offline.
🚨 The child can’t process what you’re saying—even if they want to.
So when we say, "Listen to me!"—their brain literally can’t comply in that moment.
What Helps Kids Listen? Co-Regulation
Instead of assuming kids "won't" listen, we need to recognize when they can't—and help them regulate first.
Here’s what works:
✅ Lower the demand before you raise your voice. Instead of, “Get in the car NOW,” try, “I know it’s hard to stop playing. Let’s take a deep breath together before we go.”
✅ Use a calm, steady tone. Kids mirror our emotional state. If we stay grounded, their nervous system settles faster.
✅ Give space for connection first. A gentle touch on the shoulder or eye contact before a request helps re-engage their brain.
When kids feel safe and connected, their thinking brain comes back online, and they are far more likely to cooperate—not out of fear, but because they feel understood.
Parenting isn’t about controlling kids. It’s about helping them develop the skills to regulate and connect—so they can listen, learn, and grow.
